The Good Life

I don't know what has driven me to the land of blogging, but I feel that I have words within me which would make more sense if they are written.  While I write, I plan to document the reflections and thoughts that cross my mind and my path towards a journey of "betterment" - whatever that means.  I have realized that for some reason, even on days that my feet feel too heavy to get out of bed, I surprise myself with moments that flash before my eyes and literally stop my thoughts and bring my heart to a stand still.  Perhaps I am an uncontrollable optimist, but I feel that long ago I made a promise to myself that regardless of the challenge I am up against, I will not be defeated. 

I fly by own wings, with the support of a family that many who haven't seen us "operate" wouldn't believe.  We stand up to one another.  We yell at each other.  We cry with one another.  More than anything, we laugh with one another.  Laughter is what has built my family's relationships, and laughter is what repairs our relationships when things aren't "perfect."   I prefer to take the devil's advocate for things.  I prefer to put myself second.  To be honest, I prefer to be right.  There is something in my brain that causes me to struggle taking fault.  It is not that I think I have no areas for improvement, it is more than likely because I am constantly asking questions and theorizing about reasons why things are the way they are.  Instead of just saying, "hi. I screwed up."  I prefer to say, "I am sorry I screwed up.  I probably chose to do that because..."  I know it drives my husband crazy.  I am hoping that down the road, you know, further than 1 month of marriage in, he will realize that I give him those same benefits of the doubt when he gets a little unruly.  My family's inability to have a quiet conversation has given me a strong voice.  Without them, my confidence would surely be different.  Without them, I have a feeling I would be more easily defeated.  Instead, when I feel like giving up, I have very loud, very passionate voices both from my family here with me and the voices of my father and sister from up above telling me to stand up, suck it up, and move forward.  Even when I have disappointed them, they have been proud of me.  Family is a gift.  Mine came with a big red bow on it. 

Tonight, during a transition for my husband to work night shifts, I am sitting alone in my living room with a cup of tea, my netflix account, and two very large, very lazy chocolate labs.  Although it isn't perfect, although I am missing something that seems like a necessity of being married (my vision of husband and wife winds down together in the evening and reflects on their day together before resting their heads), I think I have learned something.  This evening, my netflix movie of choice was "You Can't Be Neutral On A Moving Train" - a documentary on a past Harvard Professor, Historian, Social Activist, and Author Howard Zinn.  Proudly I claim my "nerdom" but I do suggest that people watch this video.  Yes it is a documentary.  Yes it lacks action, laughs, and steamy romance.  Yes, you will be inspired.  The quote that stood out to me and connected most with my feelings this evening was this...

"...we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. 

The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now

as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all

that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory."

- Howard Zinn

 

Of course, for my first post I probably have zero readers, but if there is a reader out there in the wide expanse called the internet, take a second to think on that quote.  People get stuck thinking about the greener grass and the Jones' all the time.  Why?  Are we honestly waiting for this utopia called the good life?  Maybe the good life is waking up 30 minutes before church, but going anyways.  Maybe the good life is a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich, warm tea and netflix? Maybe the good life is sharing a hug and a kiss in the middle of a messy kitchen and not caring for one second that you napped all day.  Many things could screw up my day.  A lot more things could create a smile. 

 

If I take time to learn, I will make time to grow.  Each time I reflect on a day, I am hoping that I find something to learn from.  My goal for tomorrow is to form habits of kindness.  I want to spend more time listening (that is extremely hard and at times painful for me- jabber jaw is hard to subdue) and more time laughing.  Perhaps as I learn, I can also teach these thoughts and habits to my students.  I have told them that each of us is a social scientist in some way, and I think I look at life from a historian's perspective.  I am writing my own personal history each day by the decisions I make.  I am creating my legacy.  Nobody wakes up on the right side of the bed and is great.  Being great takes hard work.  Wow, even being remotely good takes hard work.  My legacy is not something I want to leave up to chance.  How people think of me and remember me long from now is a task I want to care for and be thoughtful of. What do you want your legacy to be?

 

You see, sometimes loving life doesn't mean that I am smiling.  Sometimes loving life means that even though I end my day with a tear, I am beginning the next day having learned about myself, the world I live in, and the things in life that are worth enjoying and loving.

 

Smile, I'll write to you again soon.

Me